Supreme I don't want to live with regret, but

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I joined this forum several years ago and immediately idolized the great social engineers of our community. Those big numbers associated with their names, 100,000$...1,000,000$...their big fancy services, with hundreds of customers and those big numbers they'd se...1000$...3000$, impressive. 

I know that the life i want is on the otherside of deep discomfort, i know the things i'll have to do to get where i want to be are not going to be pretty and i don't want to live a life filled with regret about what i never did. 

I envy those people right now..they did it, they actually se'd all that money and now live a life of luxury and i didn't. I find myself feeling regret, not because i didn't do it, but because i let the fear and the discomfort demoralize me into not even trying. 

Oh i spent years chasing mentorship and knowledge, spend 1000$+ for information about methods and such. Honestly though, when i'd be doing it...i've never been more miserable. It's an ugly world social engineering. 

You don't want anyone to hear what you're doing, so you've got find a secluded area to perform your methods. You don't want anyone to see what you're doing, so you have to use vpn's and virtual machines to, detach yourself from the committed acts. That's a lot of pressure, because the second anyone finds out what you're doing, they'll never look at you the same and you might end up in prison. To have that pressure, on the cusp of becoming a reality..every single second of your day..is exhaustive to cope with. It's a complicated world we live in, technologically speaking, there are a lot of smart people inventing new and improved ways to make the established go to methods of security obsolete. 

I couldn't cope with it, i never wanted that fear to become a reality. I never figured out how to feel safe and secure with my practice. Now all these years later i'm still stuck and afraid. 

However, i am very happy i never disappointed the people that matter to me, i like to imagine im being watched and idk if it's my conscience or a delusional imaginary figure, but i see it looking down on me with pride and that brings me comfort. 

So what's the next step i wonder, i've decided i'm not going to become one of them, i set out to do what i wanted all those years ago which was make that option a real reality for me to achieve. I did it, i had it in the palm of my hands and threw it in the river of life and i watch it float it away. 

Feels shitty to be back at square one after so much time invested in it. Feel stuck again -_-

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